2015 NFL Division Breakdown
posted Aug 20 2015, 05:38PM
story by Matt Allen
posted in NFL, News

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of golden-brown leaves crunching beneath you as you’re walking home on a brisk, amber night. While wondering why you left your flannel at home, you come to the s.o.b.e.r (Son Of a Bitch Everything’s Real) reality that your inebriated summer spent at patio happy hours and music festivals is quickly coming to a close. But rest assure, fall isn’t all that bad as a new NFL season is being harvested to get you through your pumpkin-spice-overdosed autumns. 

Below is a breakdown of how each division stacks up between the teams

NFC East

1) Dallas – Stop me if you’ve heard this before but Dallas had an issue with an outspoken wide receiver this offseason. First Michael Irving, then Terrell Owens and now, Dez Bryant. Going forward, they’ve probably learned their lesson and will steer away from signing players with troubled pasts. Oh wait, they just signed rookie Left Tackle Ja’lil Collins who went undrafted because he was being questioned by police in connection to the murder of his ex-girlfriend…

2) Eagles – The NFL version of the Oregon Ducks treated the offseason like it was a game of Madden.  Philly was wheelin’ & dealin’ star players left & right.  Chip Kelly went all John Mayer with his running back group by breaking up with 2013’s hottest tailback, LeSean McCoy, and picking up 2014’s hottest tailback, DeMarco Murray. Also, did you hear they signed Tim Tebow?

3) Giants – 2.5 words: ODELL. BECKHAM. JR. After barely seeing the football field until week NINE, the rookie receiver had a coming out party that would rival only cocaine in the 1980’s.  He burst onto the scene, was an instant success and everyone was left asking, “where the hell did this come from?” Odell finished the season with a whopping 1,305 yards and 12 touchdowns.

4) Redskins – RGIII is back and healthy. He also stars in really tacky Subway commercials. Now that Jared Fogle gained back all of his sandwich weight and masterminded a child pornography ring, RGIII could be the new face of the company. At least he has that going for him because much like the Cold Cut Combo, both RGIII and the Skins’ are flavorless and dry. If you’re looking for a quality sandwich, or football team in this case, there are better places to seek out.

 

NFC North

1) Packers – The Pack’ are the early Super Bowl favorites to win this year’s title. Aaron Rodgers wife Olivia Munn is also my early favorite to win this year’s “Hottest Wife in the NFL” title. Quick, let’s name the top 5 hottest NFL wives: 1) Olivia Munn 2) Gisele 3) Jesse Decker 4) Kristin Cavallari 5) Katherine Webb.

Honorable mention: Victoria Secret model Erin Heatherton, who’d undoubtedly would make the list but she technically isn’t “married” to Dolphin’s tight end Jordan Cameron. Well played, Jordan .Well played.

2) Lions – Like a room full of dumb, blonde supermodels there is a lot to like about this team on the surface. With eye-catching talent like Calvin Johnson and Matthew Stafford, it’s hard to look past them. But when you sit down and really get to know them, the Lions don’t have a lot of depth. Sure, they might look good for (sexual) fantasy purposes but they aren’t someone you feel comfortable about in the long term.

3) Vikings – Adrian Peterson is back and ready to whoop opposing defenses until they start calling him “daddy” (too soon…?). But the team’s success ultimately lies on the shoulders of second year quarterback, Teddy Bridgwater. Is Bridgewater just going to be water under the bridge or will he finally bridge the gap between the Vikings decade long drought of finding a franchise quarterback?  Or perhaps he will just shit his bridges due to all the pressure? Only time will tell.

4) Bears – Fun fact: I once spent Easter Sunday with Bears head coach John Fox.  We were on the same flip cup team and we won. He likes dirty jokes, chewing tobacco and Michelob Light’s. Other than that I really don’t have anything else to report.  The last time I checked, Jay Cutler was still the Bears quarterback.

 

NFC South

1) Panthers – The Panthers “won” this division with a losing record of 7-8-1.  They managed to get into the playoffs because the rest of the divisional teams couldn’t squeeze out a .500 record.  If the Panthers were your friend, they’d be the friend that bragged about “pulling the hottest girl at the bar” but failed to tell you that the bar was in the middle of Nebraska.

2) Saints – Growing up, I always thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem. I also thought the Saints were going to be a much better football team last year.  I was wrong on both accounts. As long as New Orleans defensive coordinator Rob Ryan continues to call plays, their defense is going to be bad. Nicki Minaj bad. In fact, if Rob Ryan wasn’t brothers with Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his dad wasn’t the legendary coordinator Buddy Ryan, then there is a very good chance he wouldn’t even have a job in this league.

3) Falcons– The Dirty Birds were fined $350K and a draft pick for pumping in crowd noise to their stadium last season.  Hey Atlanta, you want an advantage that will help you actually win some games…? How about pumping in a linebacking corps that can tackle? Or pump in a secondary that can cover?? Or an offensive line that can block???

4) Buccaneers– When 1st overall pick Jamies Winston isn’t stealing crab legs, getting accused of rape or standing on tables and yelling “fuck her right in the pussy" to female classmates, he might help the Bucs win more than the 2 games they won last season.  Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, maybe Jamies can too.

 

NFC West

1) Seahawks – After the “pay me now, bitch” demands that quarterback Russell Wilson has voiced this offseason, the team finally signed the young quarterback to a multi-year deal.  Additionally, they acquired All Pro Tight End Jimmy Graham who will be an instant red zone target for the passing game. Though, do the ‘Hawks really need to be passing more in the red zone? We all saw how badly that ended last year on the final drive of the Super Bowl.

2) Cardinals – If Carson Palmer health wasn’t as shaky as the Greece debt crisis, the Cardinals would be legitimate Super Bowl contenders.  One of the leagues best defenses continues to thrive but it seems like the only way to keep Palmer healthy is by NOT paying him. Last season Palmer tore his ACL two days after signing a 3 year, $50 million dollar deal.  This comes after he tore his ACL in 2006, just 10 days after signing a $118 million extension with the Bengals.  (Note: Do NOT try this at your own workplace.  Deciding not to attend work after getting a promotion will surely get you fired.)

3) St. Louis – It wasn’t very “sunglasses emoji” of the team to trade franchise quarterback Sam Bradford after his season was cut short with another injury but St. Louis had waited long enough for Bradford to develop. The Rams will look to spark the offense with new signal caller Nick Foles and the 10th overall pick in the draft, tailback Todd Gurley. The Rams haven’t’ had a winning season since 2003 and coach Fisher hasn’t been north of .500 since '08.  I like their defense a lot but I just can’t get behind this team to call them legit playoff contenders. They’re the type of friend that you write “Happy Birthday!” on their Facebook wall, rather than text.

4) San Francisco – The 49ers have fallen off faster than a Bruce Jenner jockstrap. First, they lost their head coach John Harbaugh. Then they lost Pro Bowlers Patrick Willis, Frank Gore, Justin Smith, Aldon Smith and Chris Borland.  And soon, they could be looking to lose their “franchise” QB who just a year ago got paid a monstrous seven year, $126 million dollars. He followed it up by ranking 28th overall in quarterback efficiency behind the likes of Brian Hoyer, Kyle Orton and Mike Glennon. Ouch.

 

AFC East

1) Patriots – Say what you want about Tom Brady but the dude wins Super Bowls and is married to Gisele.  Two things every guy on the planet dreams of doing. All the half assed jokes about “deflated balls” or “he models for Uggs” doesn’t overcompensate for the fact he has four Super Bowl rings and a supermodel wife that makes more money than him.  We are all secretly jealous of how perfect Tom Brady and the Patriots are.  

2) Bills - Rex Ryan took his coaching talents across the division to Buffalo where he hopes to build a bully of a defense.  Pro Bowl defensive tackle Marcel Dareus already has come out and said the Bills can be “best defense of all time.”  You got to love the annual offseason optimism by these players.  Anyone else hear that Ben Afflack and Jennifer Gardner might be getting back together??

3) Dolphins – College receiver- turned NFL quarterback, Ryan Tannehill, should high-five life because he wins in all aspects of it except for when it comes to football games. Despite his lackluster 23-25 career record, the ‘Phins rewarded him with a 6 year, $96 million dollar extension.  Speaking of money, his wife, Lauren Tannehill, is a complete dime and there are rumors they are purchasing a new, multi-million dollar pad on South Beach.  At this point, Ryan should probably just wear a shirt with the word "life" written on it and start handing out lemons.

3) Jets Geno Smith has never had jaw dropping ability until now. After being sucker punched by a fellow teammate in training camp, Geno is expected to miss the next 6-10 weeks with a broken jaw. Good thing the Jets acquired veteran QB Ryan Fitzpatrick this offseason. Additionally, they also acquired a vast amount of talent in the likes of Darrelle Revis, Antonio Cromartie, Brandon Marshall, Buster Skrine, Stevan Ridley, Zac Stacy, Leonard Williams, Brett Favre (again), Justin Bieber, the second gunman in the JFK assassination, the original cast of Cheers, the Monstars from Space Jam and the talking Trans Am from Knight Rider.

 

AFC North

1) Ravens – The herpes of the NFL flared up again last year. Just when quarterback Joe Flacco was back to being a mediocre… just when they lost star tailback Ray Rice for the season… and just when you thought their defense was getting too old… they popped out of nowhere and left playoff sores all over the NFL.  They lost a lot of big names this offseason – offensive coordiantor Gary Kubiak, wide receiver Torrey Smith and defensive tackle Haloti Ngata but rest assure; they will find their way back to the top of the NFL’s lip.

2) Bengals – Something about men drinking Frappuccino’s makes me uncomfortable. I get this same feeling when I watch Andy Dalton throw the ball in the playoffs. The Bengals have made the playoffs the past four seasons but haven’t been able to advance out of the opening round because Andy Dalton has continued to look like Bill Murray from the movie “Groundhog Day” with his repeatingly poor postseason performances. Emerging stars Jeremy Hill and Giovani Bernand formulate a nice “smash & dash” rushing attack but Dalton will need to take a step forward if this team wants to become contenders.

3) Steelers Troy Polamalu, the highly decorated safety and hair model, retired this offseason. The defensive and luxuriant void that he leaves on the team will be hard to replace but this is a veteran team who seems to always be in the playoff hunt. The aviator king, coach Mike Tomlin, has shifted gears over the years from a defensive oriented team, to an offensive-led team with emerging superstars Antonio Brown and La’Veon Bell.

4) Browns – The “new” look uniforms that they unveiled this offseason look exactly like their old ones which makes a decent analogy for the Browns who will again, finish in their familiar last place spot. Johnny Manziel was penciled in to be the franchise savior but in his only start last season, he posted an abysmal 27.3 Passer Rating in a 30 to 0 loss to the Bengals. Unless he can get the offense flowing like he does a keg at a frat party, he’ll soon follow in the footsteps of all the other GREAT Brown’s 1st round QB’s: Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Mike Phipps, Bobby Garrett, and Harry Agganis. 

 

AFC South

1) Colts – If the AFC South held a prom and each team could bring a date, the Texans would have brought their sister, the Jaguars would have brought their cousin and Titans would have brought their mom.  Meanwhile, the Colts arrived in a helicopter, brought Sofia Vergara, won prom king and got laid that night. Indianapolis is going to run away with this division as long as Andrew Luck stays healthy.

2) Texans – Houston will be featured on this seasons HBO series “Hard Knocks”. That’s a fitting title for a team who currently has fallen on some hard times at the quarterback position and currently has an open competition between perpetual backups Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett. Defensive Player of the Year, J.J. Watt, and last year’s first overall pick, Jadaveon Clowney, form a scary pass rushing duo but it won’t be enough to knock off the Colts. #phunny

3) Jaguars – Watching the Jags on offense is more sobering than a BYU homecoming game. They lack stability, chemistry, and experience. This middle school-esque relationship from the offense needs to be straightened out because their defense actually has some formidable talent. Though, this talent hasn’t come without injury concerns as Pro Bowl defensive tackle Sen’Derrick Marks tore his ACL in the season finale and this year’s third-overall pick, Dante Fowler, tore his ACL in offseason OTA’s.

4) Titans – Nothing says “I’m ready to be your franchise quarterback” more than picking surfing over football. That’s just what number two overall pick Marcus Mariota did this offseason when he initially refused to sign his rookie deal because he balked over a contract clause that forbids him from surfing. Mariota better show up to training camp with a good grasp of the playbook because I’m sure hardnosed coach Ken Whisenhunt won’t be giving out too many “mahalo’s” when his quarterback starts throwing interceptions. 

 

AFC West

1) BroncosFor the first time in several seasons, the Broncos are coming in as underdogs to win the division. Despite winning the past four divisional titles, skeptic’s tend to think that the PFM 1000 (aka the Machine, aka The Sheriff, aka Peyton Fuckin’ Manning) is old and over the hill. If Terminator Genisys proved anything, it’s that both Arnold Schwarzenegger and machines are immortal. The PFM 1000 might not be fresh off the assembly line but he’s still a top 5 QB.  New head coach Gary Kubiak is going to keep the bearings greased by cranking out a heavier run game and more aggressive defense.

2) Chargers – The Los Angeles, I mean… San Diego Chargers have an unstable franchise location but a steady offense led by Philip Rivers.  The Chargers used their 15th overall pick to nab running back Melvin Gordon with hopes that he can take the offense to the next level. But as long as Peyton Manning is still quarterbacking, the Charger will continue to play second fiddle to the Broncos.  Sorry Charger fans, cry me a Rivers…

3) Chiefs – Fuck the Chiefs.

4) Raiders – What do Oakland fans do when the Raiders win the Super Bowl? They turn off the Playstation. This team has been the perennial laughing stock of the league for the past decade but things may be finally turning around. With two solid drafts over the past two years, this team could have a few upsets in store.

Matt Allen
Recent graduate from the University of Colorado at Boulder. I love all sports but the football, basketball, and baseball are my bread and butter. Bor...





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